Oh, Fauna! You grow up so fast... I have no time to adapt. I am not even able to reflect on our relationship from a distance point of view. It is all about the moment. It is all about being together: playing, eating, dancing, sleeping... There is no trace of a baby in you! You understand the world thats surround you very well. You are very interested in interacting with other humans, specially children. You are hungry for information. You want to talk. And the day I took this pictures, you chose this blue dress from my wardrobe.
You developed many ways to express your love to us. Ways to ask for comfort in our arms. Is so sweet, such a climax, to received your love that I can't really express how I feel. The only thing I know is that there is a new emotion. So intense that it frighten me. Some kind of communion between your childhood and mine. I hold you and we dance. And I feel you and then I'm seeing the child I was. Suddenly she is so alive and clear. And I then I cry because is a strong emotion. I know that all of this is just the love I feel for you. Becoming stronger day by day. And the love I feel for me, next to you. The love I feel for the child I was. The love I feel for the best version of my self that I can be.
Twelve months and eight days ago Fauna came out of my womb. The birth. The first days. The first months of life. I barely remember them. Her presence and existence is so tangible in the now that those days seem far away. It's unbelievable what a human learns and transforms in its first year of life. Unbelievable how all those states of mind simply and progressively appear: desire to laugh and have fun, need for tenderness, casual pleasure, dissatisfaction and frustration, trance while disconnected from the surroundings... All the ways little children have to communicate without verbal language. Signs that we, adults, relearn to understand. They are so pure while they have no verbal language. Their minds are empty of letters and words but yet full of impressions, experiences and thoughts. This age where Fauna is right now feels delicious to me. I love it. The deep intimacy that we share (I enjoy breastfeeding now more than ever before). The gestures of love. Her honesty and openness. Her expressions and preferences. Her character. Fauna with her face. Fauna her forms and her movements. The total calmness she has while sleeping, empty of tension.
Fauna has dark blonde hair and dark grey eyes. She is tinny but healthy in her weight and length. She is active but quiet, cautious but brave, very aware of her surroundings. She is careful when trying out and has control over her motion. She is independent. She is very curious about objects, lights, and the space around. She sleeps very good through the night and in her morning nap. She eats very good too. She wants to try anything if Manfred and I are eating it. And most of the times she likes it. She plays with the boundaries and prohibition in such genuine way, very measured and unnoticeable, that I find myself having no desire to interrupt her. She is learning to point to things and she smiles while doing it. She is slowly getting to use the spoon in a proper way when eating, but her hands are still her best tool. She is also standing up and eventually walking few steps. Perhaps it is because I am her mother but I find her morphology and movements very elegant.
Manfred and I don't press her intelectual development at all. We like to observe how she grows all by her own will (like walking or talking). We definitely enjoy this "primitive" phase of her. We get a blue when we realized that this time is quite ephemeral. She will be a grown up in a eyes blink.
Dear Fauna, two weeks ago we flew to Madrid for the first time in your life. Madrid is the place where I was born and I grew up. It is the place where your grandmother and great-grandmothers live. You were then close to become 11 months old. I wanted to bring you there before you become 1 year old.
We spent one week in the house of your grandmother Matilde. You connected very well. She gave you the breakfast almost every morning and you played a lot together. She also bathed you and gave you the dinner every night. One day she even made you sleep at night time. You liked her house a lot and the playground that is close by. One day we went to Toledo to visit your grandfather Tolo and he also made you sleep carrying you in your Mei Tai. This fact is important to remember since sleeping is the most difficult activity for you to do without me or your father.
The first days were hard for you because I concentrated all the big meetings then. The day we arrived you met your great-grandmother Matilde who is 92 years old. She is mother of 11, grand mother of 35, and great-grandmother of 16. She is endlessly peaceful and always in a good mood. The second day we spend it in "El Guijo", where your grandmother lives, hanging around with some old friends of mine. The third day we went to your grandfather's and my lovely friend Maria came with us. The forth day was quite intense because we went to meet your great-grandmother Maribel and many other family members came too. It was too loud, too crowded... too much. But it was very special for Maribel because you are her first great-grand child. That day you received many presents as well and I got to see cousins I didn't see for very long time.
After this stressful time I kept it quiet and relaxed for you. On Sunday we went to "La Pedriza", a natural park I have always loved very much. We were many people too, but nature keeps you in a good mood. We hanged around next to crystalline river and made picnic. You slept a very long nap there. It was a wonderful day with live music, courtesy of my friend Jaime which is a musician I like to sing and improvise with when ever we have a chance.
On Monday it took place a reencounter with my friends Lorena, Sara and Paula. It was cool for you because we were in the playground and it was all about you. The last two days left we were just enjoying the house of grandma and the beautiful surroundings. Your uncle Fernando was with us.
Oh! I almost forgot to say that you learned at least three things that week. You started to stand up and now you do it constantly. You opened a closed every door you found on your way. Also, you swing a lot those days at the playground and you loved it! You even put your self into movement playing with the balance of your body.
For me was a needed trip because I missed the place and my people very much. Everything went smoothly and perfectly. Me and my mother were in harmony, and this is exactly what I needed. I cooked for her and I felt very cozy in what was my home as a child. I didn't want to leave but I collected energy until the next visit. Hopefully we will be back this summer and you will learn to swim at the pool with your amazing grandmother and, at the ocean, with your brave grandfather.
Last Saturday Manfred had birthday. He became 51 years old. A couple of days before Fauna became 10 months old. It is amazing how we have become a family. It feels like if it has always been that way. Time passed by but the joy of our life is permanent.
Manfred is for me, apart of the love of my life, a model to follow. He has lived his life fully and always open to change and transformation. That's why his soul remains young. Yet, he is responsable and reliable. His mind is the most interesting mind I have ever get to know. His interests are wide. His senses are cultivated. His emotions are healthy.
What makes me admire him so much is the balance he has to be mature and to be funny. He can manage big projects, meetings, boring adults stuff... And at the same time be silly as a child (Fauna loves all the ridiculous things he does). I love his freedom, they way he enjoys all kind of things. From reading books about quantum physics to have wild sex in the middle of the nature. Every day I am amazed by his holistic personality, imposible to fix into boxes or cliches.
I met him when I was nineteen years old. We had all kind of crazy adventures together. We had orgies, made great parties, traveled with our van, knew new people... And it all felt safe, because we did it with perspective and care for ourselves. We also have done intelectual work together: brainstorming, design, speeches, portfolios... Now we are parents, and this is the biggest adventure of all. We are settles for now and reflected as never before. We agree in all points of how a good childhood should to be. How a person becomes emotionally healthy and fulfilled in life.
Along his side I have become a strong woman. I have grown and matured but my essence remains intact. He helps me to be the best version of myself. I try to do the same for him.
To celebrate his birthday we just did what we like to do the most: to enjoy with the little luxuries of our lifestyle. We went on a walk to the street market in our neighborhood and we had dinner in our favorite "tapas" bar. Simple but perfect.
Manfred, my love. To meet you was the best thing that have ever happened to me. To have a child with you, the best decision. Thank you for your light.
Winter gets me like this: uninspired, uncommunicative, unmotivated. Anyway, I will make an effort to tell you the latest things happening around here before this blog dies completely.
Fauna is 9 months old and she is growing very fast. Her first tooth is already visible and a second one is on its way (which is a source of frustration due to the pain). She knows how to crawl. She already has a enormous spectrum of feelings and expressions. She is showing us that she has a strong character, full of power. She loves shower/bath time, even more now that she knows how to splash water all over. She is a very good eater who likes everything we offer her. She enjoys to eat by herself so, at least once a day, I give her things that she can hold with her little hands (boiled carrots, banana, little pieces of chicken meat). Now that breastfeeding is not her main source of food, I enjoy it on a new level. It's a very intimate moment of love. I am more relaxed since I don't feel under the pressure of it anymore. She is more distracted, of course. She tends to release herself from the nipple. Then she looks up to me, smiles and makes sounds: da, da, daaa. Often she also does blows raspberries next to my breast. She has discovered the presence of a couple of guitars in the house and she goes to them and play the strings very often. And she does it quite good. But, for sure, her interest is on the most dangerous stuff around. Things like power plugs, cables and loaders, sharp furniture's edges... But on the other hand she can be entertained by herself considerable amounts of time. When she is quiet for too long it is better to go on spying her to she what she has found.
Manfred and I are continuously amazed by her. We have a lot of fun because well, as any parent, the things your child does are just really funny.
January was a month to be at home with friends. My friend Maria came from Madrid to make us a weekend visit and we celebrated the birthday of another friend from our neighborhood back there who lives here too.
February is a month of work and challenge for me. This is always a good thing: to go out of my comfort zone. I am excited because I am going to host a little floral workshop. It will be in a Spanish library, here in Berlin. I am deadly nervous but looking forward and preparing everyday.
But honestly I am counting the days for winter to be over... However, it is being a nice winter. There are many bright days when the sun shines with all its power. I think the season is having mercy on us. Perhaps the worst weather is about to come. You can never know for sure...
Fauna is already seven months old. Despite this "motherhood period" is being the most intense of my life (every second is real, connected to the moment, filled with impressions) it feels like time is flying away pretty fast.
Since Fauna is here I had in my mind to describe her development every month. In the end I didn't manage for the last three months. Sometimes I didn't make photos in the right moment, other times I didn't find the quietness to sit down and write. This are the kinds of posts that cannot be delayed.
However, this last two months she has grown so much! Her physical appearance is quite the same (a couple of centimetres longer, a couple of kilos heavier) but her motor skills, and especially her mind and personality have went high in a dizzy curve.
She is charming and everybody falls in her enchanted web. It is due to her easy smile. Except the doctor, everybody seems sympathetic to her. It is surprising even for me, the way she is just happy all the time. Even when she is tired, in a noisy and strange environment, she still smiles at people. However, if we stretch her patience to much she knows how to declare her needs. She would shout loud until we please her desire of a quiet place.
She likes to talk (da da da di ta di ta da) mostly when she is alone, in some kind of trance. But she is not a talking child, she communicates more often with face expressions and body movements.
She is fascinated by any source of light and gets hypnotized if the light moves or changes. When she is really relaxed she lies peacefully and observes her own hand, turning it and moving her fingers. She loves to play with any object, preferring always the dangerous ones. Plastic and paper bags are her favourite.
She has long moments for herself while playing. Even longer if I or papa sits next to her. She likes to bites everything as if she would be hunting .She does it with our noses too. Like dogs do, she bites and shakes the head powerfully. May be the name we gave her...
She likes as well to move her arm up and down, hitting anything around. Her force is quite rude.
She is totally aware of her surroundings and it is difficult to hide something from her (like the bottle). Her motor abilities are really good. If you carry her in your arms and move around the room she would catch rapidly anything that is in her reach. For example, the other day she caught and moved a chair several centimetres while our friend Mila was carrying her around in a coffee place. She is able to sit but if she gets distracted she falls to the side.
She is completely in love with papa (because, well, he is quite funny and entertaining) but if she is tired, confused or afraid, she searches for me and extents the arms in my direction requesting my company. Also, if she wakes up from a nap and we aren't at home, she cannot handle to not see me around. She only would get relaxed when I take her in my arms.
She sleeps with us, she always did. So we decided to disassemble her bed... it takes to much space from the room to be unused. During the day she falls sleep easily in the baby buggy or the baby carrier but at night she only falls sleep if she sucks from my breast. My whole body is crying around for the bad positions I am sleeping. Eventually she let me detached from her and I can get a better position. The problem is that I often fall sleep before... She is the new queen of our bed and sex has to be made really quietly or somewhere else. But all and all she is a good sleeper and she sleeps trough the night with not much interruption.
She eats a lot and is really open and curious about different tastes. She prefers the fruits over the vegetables because they taste sweet. But she eats anything if you insist a bit. I mostly do her food myself but sometimes, when I am in a rush, I go to the bio supermarket and get some jars.
She loves to have a shower and to play with the water, trying to catch the stream. One of us showers with her so it is our main naked "skin to skin" time of the day. We don't know if she would already enjoy to bath. We didn't tried again since the first month because... well... is more effort to prepare.
Two days ago she got vaccinated. You can see in the pictures that she is tired but still wants to play. I enjoy so much discovering the features of her character. She is totally an individual, different to me. And I am/we are so proud of her.
