There is a universal truth about birth-giving: it doesn't matter how much you try to get ready for it, there is no way to make the right expectations. The only way to find out about this experience is to go through it. The weeks before giving birth I started to be excited but also afraid. I knew that it was going to be painful and exhausting. I wanted to be in control and aware of the moment I was living so I tried to be prepared. Therefore I watched birthing videos in youtube, I asked every woman I know how their labour were, I went to the so famous birth preparation course together with Manfred (to make him prepared too)... All this things helped me to be relaxed and more self confident while the wait but when I was into labour, they all faded. In this moment you are driven by the situation. In some point you are not yourself anymore and everything is a crazy and blurred trip. Manfred helped me all the time making me relaxed with massage and good words, but the task he covered was actually to be the witness of the whole process. When everything was over I completely forgot the suffering. Manfred is here to tell me about the crazy time I went through. He reminds me about my animal force and my power to bring Fauna to the world.
My labour slowly started in the evening of the 7th. Well, lets call it pre-labour. That night I cried of melancholy because the idea to not be pregnant anymore made me sad. Manfred and I talked about the possibility of that night being the last one we would be ever alone, both of us. To not let the last chance to have sex (for a while) we did it then. During the night I had soft contractions so I didn't sleep as deep as I wish I would. The next morning the contractions continued and I had the intuition that it was going to be my last day of pregnancy so we made lots of photos of me and my naked belly. It was Sunday, 8th of May. It was a warm and pleasant day.We spend the morning relaxing at home, listening music and drinking tea. Around midday the contractions were slightly stronger and coming every 15 minutes. We decided to hang around the hospital which is in a really nice neighborhood near to ours, full of cafés and green spots. We went there in U-Bahn (underground) as if we were just having fun, behaving like if it was a completely normal day. We had lunch and walk around, and when a contraction occurred to me I howled in the middle of the street. I had no shame and I found it all really nice.
When the contractions started to be every 10 minutes we went into the hospital to make them check on me and to give us some clue about if we were really into labour. The midwife said that we had to wait more and perhaps go back home because the contractions were still not close enough to each other. But then she touched to see if I was delated and I was, indeed, 3cm delated. Then she said that we should keep walking around and come back in two hours. After that period of time the contractions were still every 10 minutes so another midwife wanted to send us home but the first midwife palpated me again and I was 7cm dilated. I was definitely in the beginning of labour so they finally let me into the delivery zone.
I decided to take a shower to get relaxed and it worked out really good. Then it was around 23:30. I wanted to give birth there with the water falling on me, but it wasn't the actual delivery room so I knew it wasn't possible. Hours passed by and contractions got truly painful. Manfred and I fell sleep in between them. My howling transformed from a funny "aaauuuuuuuhh" to an authentic animalistic shouting. I was exhausted and I asked for painkillers but it was to late for any kind of drug, they told me. I felt the complete birth sensations pack. At least my cervix was really soft, they said. My uterus and vagina seem to be really competent.
My water was still unbroken and I started to feel desperate. They offered to open my amniotic sac and I accepted immediately. This released my pain slightly but I cannot really asure it because at this point I started to loose myself and entered into a trance. Some time later a midwife told me that my contractions weren't strong enough (perhaps I was way to relaxed) so they give me some kind of contraction promoter. Time passed by and I cried around saying that I couldn't anymore. I saw that the night was over and the daylight was coming back and I remember I felt miserable. But then the real labour started and I got an unknown power coming from who-knows-where. The animal inside my human, the real me... I guess. I started to push, even a before the midwifes gave me permission. I wasn't able to wait anymore. In every contraction I push out with my whole soul. It was like defecating but in hardcore. This part didn't hurt so much, actually. It just took a lot of energy. It seems that this phase was another 3 or 4 hours. Fauna going down through my hips and lower. At each contraction I bite Manfred's hand with all my power (thank you, my love). I felt she was almost out, the midwife (the nicest from all of them that had check on me that night) encouraged me really good, I pushed and pushed and pushed... but it wasn't enough. Fauna had the head in a difficult position so every time I stopped pushing she came slightly back in. I was in another universe trying to take her out of me. Manfred got the chance to touch the top of her head while she was still inside. Finally the midwife and the doctor decided to help me in the last bite with a sucking device (that actually looked like a bad joke, you wouldn't believe this thing suck out anything). Another contraction, pushing again and the help of the sucking device and......ahhhh she was finally out!! Her body followed in the next seconds and the whole placenta in the next minutes. They put her in my arms, so peaceful she was. She didn't cry, she was so quiet. I loved her a lot in this moment, but also I wasn't able to be completely aware of her presence. Her breathing sounded watery, the midwife realized it quickly and took her away from my arms. I had her between my arms jus a few minutes. I felt extremely frustrated when she was away, like if all the effort and pain was for no reward. The truly hard time started then.... but this is another story to tell.
In resume, I had an average labour. Tough like any other but kind of easy. It took 10 hours. I didn't suffer any damage in my organs and I recovered really fast and good. I was really exhausted but also really energetic just because of the dissatisfaction of not having her with me. I wouldn't be able to do it without Manfred. His presence and his help and love made the whole process something to enjoy and not to suffer. If I am so happy to go through this adventure is because I shared with him. We gave birth together, and it's the best thing we ever did.
I understand now why women say that giving birth is an empowering experience. It make you surprised to find out what you are capable of. Giving birth is the most intense and animalistic process you can experience. It is all blood, vomit, piss, feces and sweat. It is violent and perhaps, in a lot of cases, much more violent than death. Life versus death and all the forces that define them... it makes me wonder a lot.
The pictures below document in chronological order our experience.
It was Thursday, 21.04.2016. The day before, we went to the Spanish consulate to get my Single Status Certificate that was finally ready, and which we were trying to realize for months already (it gets complicated when the Spanish Ministry take ages to send you your Birth Certificate, and sending you the wrong one more than once). It was the last paper we missed to be able to marry so we decided to go to the Standesamt (registry office) to check if all our documents were correct or if we still needed something else. We went to get an appointment for our marriage too. We wanted to marry as soon as posible since our baby is about to come. To be married before she born makes it all much easier, for bureaucratic matters. Manfred and I didn't care when we marry since our souls are already married long time ago. For us, this is a governmental process and we plan to make a personally meaningful ritual in the future. What I would call The Wedding Party. It will probably take place in Spain and we will invite our beloved ones to share our union.
However, it happened that the whole situation became really emotional. Especially since was all truly unexpected.
My great friend Maria had come to visit me and it was her last day in Berlin. Manfred and I felt a bit guilty to bring her to a boring office in her last hours of holidays. But she is endlessly lovely and understanding and said she didn't care. In the morning, when we were dressing up, I made jokes about the marriage. I said that perhaps they would marry us this very same day, as you can do in Las Vegas, and therefore I should wear a dress in any case. I kind of had a premonition. So, even if a don't take my premonitions seriously to not get disappointed, I knew it was important to be prepared.
We went there, the three of us. Manfred and I were in a office with a women who was checking our documents. She was charming and funny. She dressed all in soft pink and she had a big cupboard covered with pictures of teddy bears drinking tee, gardening, playing in the beach... She found us charming too and make all kind of nice comments about my pregnancy and about how cute we were. When she looked the calendar for the next posible marriage appointment it was on the 8th of May.
"Mmm. It's a bit tight, isn't it?" She said referring to my birth date.
"Let see... perhaps tomorrow in the morning at nine o'clock?" She continued.
"Oh! Wait, how about today?" she finally claimed.
Manfred and I look to each other: "Really? Today? Now? Yes, of course!"
The women suddenly remembered that we needed a translator. Manfred and I were scared for a second that the whole thing wouldn't work out. The women smiled and said: "But you are understanding everything now, right?" I urgently confirmed that I was understanding everything: "Ja, ja" (big smile on my face, sweaty hands). Then she said loudly, so that the other women, the one that is actually the authority for the marriage, could listen: "Oh yes, I will test you now". And while saying this she winked at me.
So, just like that, we went on the crazy adventure of our marriage.
We talk with the women who was the civil registration officer and who makes sure that we marry on our free will and all this stuff. I was really nervous, trying to look secure so that the officer wouldn't doubt about my german language understanding. She seemed to accept my confirmation face and went to prepare the final document.
A little bit later Manfred, Maria and me were entering with the officer in the room where marriages take place. The room had the decorative intention to be elegant and special. It even had a pot of flowers. Despite we were doing the whole thing in the faster version and without the typical traditions (no rings interchange, no music, no guests) the officer tried to make it romantic. She read a nice poem and made photos of all of us. Manfred cried of happiness. Maria too. I was too nervous and surprised to cry, but a couple of tears fell down when the poem was read by the officer. It was all so beautifully crazy, so out-of-the-norm. I realized in this moment that this is how our life is and how it always work perfect for us. We are often out of the norm. It is our style.
I feel blessed by the casualty of life. I'm fortunate to celebrate my love with no extra expectation: it makes this day more perfect than if we would have planed it. I was extremely lucky to have Maria next to me in this important moment of my life, being part of all of this because Reality wanted it like that. I said it already but I may repeat it: We are truly the lucky ones.
After the marriage the three of us went to eat something. We wanted to celebrate despite Maria was already having not much time before her fly back to Madrid. She took a taxi to the airport to have a little bit more time to eat with us. It was a beautiful afternoon. The sun shined and life was better than ever.
Side note: Dear Spanish and German family and friends, do not worry. We promise you we will make a huge great party to give you the opportunity to celebrate our love with us. Just be patient, please, so that we are able to make it as we really desire it to be.
Spring is shyly arriving to the city. The sky remains grey but the spirit of the people is totally into the new season. Trees are beautifully blooming as my womb bloom too. I am in the end of the 37th week of my pregnancy and this belly of mine grows every single day. I feel how my little girl is getting uncomfortable as she has each day less space to swim inside. She is very active, pushing her feet and hands to the outside, like if she was trying to make place around her. I was lucky to not store liquid in my legs.... until now. My ankles are getting thicker and it's a truly uncomfortable sensation. I'm glad that it didn't happen before. I feel sorry for those who have this condition since the fifth month, or earlier.
My childhood friend Maria has come to Berlin to visit me/us and we are just chilling around. It's our best way to be together, just being. And also, she makes great portraits of me, don't you think? I guess that is because she brings out the best of me. I am feeling happy, really happy.
I am starting to worry about the size of my belly. Looks like it's too little. It seems that people don't realize, or even believe, that I am pregnant. I got this conclusion based on experiences I had these last days on the streets: people just don't see my belly. They may think I am just fat... The thing is that, indeed, my belly is not so big. A couple of doctors already said to me that my baby is a bit little. But they also have said that the blood I pass to her is flowing in correct amounts and that despite she is little, she is still inside of the healthy parameters. So... I decided to not be too concerned by the situation because I also know that my mother gave birth to little babies and we are all healthy and without growth problems. And also, I have in mind that if she is not so big, it will be easier to bring her out of me when I go into labour.
Perhaps the date of my pregnancies development is miscalculated and I am in a earlier state than the doctors have told me. However, I wasn't thinking so much about the size of my belly until I started having this embarrassing situations where people don't take me seriously when I claim to be pregnant.
I don't want to worry too much in general because I am not supposed to feel stress. I realize now clearly that it was the most relevant factor that influenced my cervix, making it shorter before it was time for it. It is difficult to not let stress get into you, sometimes it gets into you and you don't even become aware of it. Life is just stressful sometimes. Manfred and I have to solve some aspects of our lives before she arrives to the world: there is paperwork to do like taxes and marriage certificates, a kitchen to re-do, storage space to create in the corridor, to buy a couple of important baby furnitures, to do the pre-birth course, to decide for a hospital... And you have to add to this the daily routine of duties like to shop, to clean and to work.
But then, I try to have in mind all the time: do not let life overwhelm you, do not stress yourself, enjoy this last time you still have her inside of you, swimming like a fish. Because, you know? It is easy to complain and to feel the victim of reality. It is really easy to position yourself into self-pity. But you have to reflect yourself and be honest when you look your circumstances. I think about other people, like my roommate in the hospital some weeks ago. Her pregnancy was truly complicated from the very beginning and she had to spend weeks, perhaps months, in this hospital room. As her, a lot of other women have really complicated pregnancies (complicated lifes and families too) that, if I would be in their situation, I would feel miserable. I look these pictures from two weeks ago and I realize that Manfred and me are on the side of the lucky ones. We are healthy, we are strong and we are happy. We can spend Saturdays naked in the bed loving each other, seeing the afternoon pass by our room and cuddling while wondering about how she will look or how her personality will surprise us. I see these pictures and they remind me that we have a luxurious lifestyle. And I am not talking about an economical luxury but about an emotional luxury. What I am about to say will sound extremely cheesy but I must say it: We are blessed by the Universe that surrounds us and contains us.
My belly gets bigger each day that passes. It's getting harder to feel glamorous or stylish. I think some young hipsters call me cow this morning when I was passing by trough a coffee terrace. I actually don't care about it but I truly feel big. I am full of joy. but also full in general. I don't especially like to wear black but today it helped me to feel a little bit thinner, just a little bit.
Someone asked me to write about how I feel with the pregnancy. I would like to say: Oh! I try to not think so much about it and to let it happen casually and naturally, as the rest of things in life. But... the truth is that I think about it a lot.
To be pregnant is a truly peculiar experience. Pregnancy is a long period and you go trough lots of different feelings, sensations and experiences that mutate every day since the first one you noticed you are pregnant.
At the beginning it is more of an idea than a sensation. And if there is some sensation it would probably be sickness. The awareness of the situation grows as the baby grows inside of you. At the fifth month it starts to be a physical reality: you get to feel it inside. Then you can experience how it moves and realize that it's something independent from your body. When this happens is when you become aware of the potential of your organism and probable you are shocked too by its capability. That's the amazing part of the process. You feel powerful and your satisfaction is immense.
Until here everything is juts perfect. But, like always in life, there is another side of the coin: the darker one. You are carrying an enormous responsibility. You are the keeper of the life you are creating. That's something everybody is reminding you continuously. You see yourself in the obligation to become the best version of yourself you can be. There is no excuse anymore to not have a healthy lifestyle. Because, you know? It's not only about you, lady. In fact, it is not longer about you but about what you are growing inside. So you have three options here: You become this ideal version of yourself, or you lie about your habits or you get used to be continuously judged by others (specially by those who didn't go trough it). For sure, forget about smoking, about drinking alcohol, about eating junk food. Forget too about too much sugar, too much salt, too much caffein... Forget about being too lazy or too active. Do not take any risk! Forget about things you never thought about before in your whole life. In other words: become ascetic. The people who love you (and, as a extension of yourself, the child you are bringing) can get really, really tense. Especially when some medical complication happens, even if it's a tiny one. You get tense too and even pissed off with your body to not be good enough for the task you are realizing. Even if you know that there are certain things that are out of your control and that you aren't guilty of them, you get mad.
In my case the problem was that my cervix was getting shorter. The little one inside of me was getting ready to go out way too early to be able to survive. To avoid an early birth I had to be lying on the bed as much time as possible. But the process is actually hormonal so I saw myself in the situation of renouncing to the last enjoyable activity I had left: sex. The oxytocin is the hormone that your body liberates when you have an orgasm but it's also the hormone that promotes the birth. The orgasm relaxes the muscle (cervix) that holds the baby inside the womb too. Therefore my last and healthier pleasure was also censured. To not be able to have sex is probably the hardest think to remove from my daily life. Orgasms keep me relaxed, satisfied and connected to my body. Sex keeps me fit and connected to my partner. To not have sex increased the tension inside of me and between me and Manfred too.
This whole "medical complication" thing has been going on for the last weeks together with moving from our apartment and to another city. Manfred started a new job.... Lots of things! Now you can imagine why my blog has been a bit abandoned lately. Happily we are kind of established now. My cervix is stable and not getting shorter but I am still afraid to have sex. Now I am in my 31st week (perhaps already in the 32st) and I am in a mix of being tense, bored and horny. I look myself in the mirror and I feel proud. I cannot believe I actually manage to quit so many of my habits. I can't believe that it's being easier than I ever could imagine either. What is less easy is to make a conclusion about all things I am talking about. Oh! Pregnancy, what a complicated thing! And yet, it is the purpose of our life as human-animals on Earth.
To be pregnant is really nice. To feel the human moving inside of you is magical. But still, it isn't an easy experience. With all this fears and limitations it would be unfair to say that being pregnant is the best experience to go through. But somehow, people tend to say it. So let me make something clear: if you get pregnant for the first time do not let people overwhelm you with sweet clichés. It's actually difficult. It can be heavy, it can be uncomfortable and it can be very distressing. Not only for the mother but for the father too. To be pregnant is to feel responsibility in the most intense way. Somehow you come to think that you aren't free anymore. On the other side, to be pregnant is really empowering. So the question I ask to myself is: What of both things I really want, freedom or power? In my opinion you can't have both. The idea of total freedom is a misconception, I believe. Also, power always implies responsibility. So if you want to feel the greatest condition in your own skin do not be afraid of power. Yeah! This is what it is: Pregnancy is The Greatest Condition.
Tomorrow we'll leave Halle and we'll become Berliner citizens once again. In the two and a half years we have been inhabiting this house I never made photos of my favourite spot. Today I finally fix it and I make a memorandum of this nice place. The corner of our bedroom that invites to lay down and read or look to the garden for a whole weekend. I am excited to be back in Berlin but oh! I will miss the romantic streets of Halle, the witch house we lived in and the garden.... Oh! The garden in the spring.
